GET LOST GARMIN

I’m not as good with directions as I used to be. I blame GPS and/or poor night vision. But mostly GPS.  I’m telling you I was like Jason Bourne. You’d give me an intersection. I’d spend 8 seconds looking at a map. Then I’d floor it!

Sadly that’s not the case anymore. Now I drive with one eyeball on the road and one on my Garmin. Even when I know where I’m going!! Heaven forbid the suction should release on the bracket and send the Garmin tumbling across my dashboard. I’m liable to crash into a Sushi restaurant. “Re-calculating.” Yah why don’t you re-calculate my insurance rates while you’re at it!

Never imagined I’d say this, but I’m nostalgic for those old maps. That’s coming from a guy who 15 years ago who used to say things like, “They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t build a better map!” Then I’d crush it into a paper ball and cram in into the glove compartment.Highway to nowhere

Sure I got lost half the time, but I always made it to my destination. Driving was more like sailing back in the day. You’d “tack” towards your destination. You’d corner it. You’d eliminate dead ends. You were an explorer. You got to know the area you were visiting. “It’s a block from the Bell Tower. Can’t miss it! If you hit the Scraggly Toe Tavern you’ve gone too far.” That’s what people said.

Nobody gives direction like that anymore unless you’re in Newfoundland. Now you ask for an address and a zip code like you’re working for UPS. You key in your coordinates and then a tender female voice guides you gently towards your destination like a pampered pig-human from the film Wall-E.

But what really annoys me is how forgiving she is. She doesn’t insult or curse you for missing an exit, she simply figures out a new set of directions and guides you anew without the slightest hint of aggravation. Which leads me to believe that, on the issue of whether you make it to your destination or not, Garmin really couldn’t give a shit.

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