CHRISTMAS SHOPPING JUST GOT EASIER THANKS TO MY GUIDE!

Frustration

The most stressful time of year is upon us – the holiday shopping season. Get ready for frustration, fighting, and lots of tears. And that’s just while looking for parking. While I can’t help you with finding a parking spot at the Old Orchard Mall, I can however guide you on how to shop once you have made it inside. That’s because shopping for gifts is easy when you follow my simple guide on how to shop for your friends, family, and coworkers for Christmas.

Before I get to my list of sure fire Christmas winners let’s first talk about three bogus gifts you should never get anyone.

1. Lottery tickets: “Here you go pal, thought you’d might like to scratch some crud off a piece of paper. Surprise! You lose again!!” Honestly! Why are you getting them a lottery ticket? Because you hope they’ll cut you in on the potential winnings? Good luck! Get in line behind the government and a family tree that just grew like a Chia Pet in the Rainforest.

2. Gift Card: Typically you’ll get this gift for someone when you’re unwilling to put in the time it takes to determine what they might really need. And they will see through it every time. Worst of all, gift cards are easy to lose, meaning you’ll have spent $50 on a piece of plastic.

3. Donation in their name to your favorite charity: Get this gift for someone you don’t like, unless you think they’d appreciate follow up phone calls from the charity for more money. This truly is the gift that keeps on taking!

Alright, now that we’ve eliminated some duds from your Christmas shopping list let’s get to what you’re here for. Here now are my top 10 Christmas winners!

1. Toaster Prongs: People love toast, now they can love it even more…with toaster prongs! Cheap and practical, it’s a great gift. And remember, if they’re made of metal, they’re not toaster prongs.

2. Wrapping Paper: There are certain people who just adore wrapping paper. You know who they are. They’re the ones that take 15 minutes to gently unwrap your gift while they go on and on about how beautiful the paper is. Well imagine how delighted they’ll be when they open a whole box of it!

3. Dumbbells: People love heavy gifts because they assume something valuable is inside, like gold bars. And what could be more heavy then a set of dumbbells! Just make sure you leave the room before they open it, unless they’re made of gold.

4. A Book: People think books are just for reading. They’re not. A Book has many uses. You can put it on a bookshelf, a coffee table, a toilet top, a nightstand, desk, refrigerator, other books, your head. Nobody will frown when they get a book from you for fear of suggesting they can’t read.

5. A pizza box warmer. It’s seriously a great gift nobody ever thinks about. And nobody has one. Just imagine it. Pizza guy comes to your door and slides pizza out of his warmer. You then slide the pizza back into your own. Woa! What just happened? You just won the game of life! That’s what happened.
sEXY SANTA
6. Sex: You can’t get this gift for everyone, but surely you can get it for someone.  Sexy Santa outfit may help.

7. A Hug: It’s sappy, but your father is more sentimental than you think. Just make it last and don’t double tap his back when you’re done. Gently release your hold and glide your hands across his back and shoulders as you pull away. Ladies, you may hold his cheek in your hands for a couple of moments.

8. Lump of coal: Some people deserve this and it’s time to bring this tradition back. I particularly recommend this for spoiled nieces & nephews, absentee parents, and the CEO of the company that pays you minimum wage, but pays millions of dollars to the already rich athlete to take a bite out of a hamburger.

9. Bullet Proof Vest: And don’t forget to get one for yourself before you head out shopping. It’s a jungle out there!

10. My CD – Vulnerable: People love to laugh and this cd will make’em! Go to: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/lengwenus

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